Wrote this a while ago, and it's still not how I want it, even though I've had a couple of go's at it revision wise...and critique or comments would be greatly appreciated.
We spent that one night in October
Sitting in the back of my dad’s pickup truck
Talking about life for hours
Looking for the Big Dipper in the sky,
Me, I was searching for us, written in the stars,
On a night that was supposed to go on forever;
A short lived game of Truth or Dare
Truth: don’t make me confess these secrets lying so deep inside
Dare: praying my brother would dare me to kiss you,
I didn’t get lucky this time.
Looking at your profile in the dim starlight, it seemed
The sweet tenderness of this desire
Would be forever contained in this small space
Etched into the metal and scratched into the plastic
Always here, in an intangible monument
To the one, the only night in a long time
I have no regrets of.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Woop. I wuold like it if he dared you to do something crazy. My new word is woop.
I think it's good as it is. The reader perceives the whole feeling, something he has probably felt so many times himself. The 'romantic intensity' is not there so much, and that is what makes it a good read.
Great poem, and the narrative structure was virtually flawless. However, I do think you should have carried that romantic intensity further. It missed a climax. You build up the audience's hopes just to have them stop at a rising emotion that is never resolved, and therefore neither is the poem. Perhaps don't try so hard to revise it, but try to end the scene with more than a description. Maybe?